I have heard that once you find the love of your life, you will realize why it was worth the wait. I totally understand that after meeting her. When you get hit with that lightning bolt, your life is never the same. I found the LOVE OF MY LIFE finally after twenty years of looking and then I LOST HER. I have never experienced emotional pain like that before. Without my religion and family I may have died of grief. True love is what I have always wanted and I have never settled for anything less. I have tried for years to move on, find someone else, and get over her, AND I CAN'T. All of a sudden as of October 2024, this woman has become front row center in my mind again (and I don't know why exactly).

I always thought the sayings “Soulmate”, “Love at first sight”, “The love of my life”, “True love never dies”, "The best thing that has ever happened to me" and “If you love someone, let them go, and if it is meant to be, it will come back to you” were just silly clichés. That was before I was hit by that Mack Truck. Anyone get the license plate? Yes, the front license plate said "THE ONE”. The back windshield had a sticker that said "THAT GOT AWAY".

Back in August 2016 is when I first met her, the most beautiful woman I have ever met who KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF. I have always wondered what it is that makes people attracted to other people, but whatever it is for me, SHE’S GOT IT. I wanted her from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I have never had feelings like that for any woman before or since. After looking for someone else for the past six years, I have learned one thing: she is IRREPLACEABLE. If she were to call me up and ask me to forgive her today, I would do so. That’s how unconditional love works, and I have always heard that when you are in love, you just know it. Not like in the past where I had to ask myself, “How do you feel about this woman?” I did not have to ask that this time, because I just knew it.

It is interesting how I went out with so many women in my twenties and thirties, but I never loved any of them. The one I ended up loving I never even went out with on an official date. I did not think that was possible, but it is. It is interesting how comfortable I was talking with her, and she seemed the same way. I felt like I had known her my entire life even though we had just met. This woman could have been reading a car manual to me at my desk and I would have been interested. She was very classy and NEVER used profanity around me. I loved that about her: she was very professional.

Let’s look at some interesting quotes from 2016 and 2017:

• “The word ‘duplicate’ is becoming as notorious around here as the ‘n’ word.”
• “Trying to find it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.”
• “What do you mean you are working on a big project for the ACCOUNTING department?!”
• “You fixed the duplicate lead issue, that’s terrific, we should celebrate!”
• “I remember being upset about that when I was a kid. Snuffy is REAL.”
• “It is a card game my kids used to play. You had to get all the pieces of Exodia. He is the FORBIDDEN one...ha ha, yeah, Exodia, I was talking to my family about that the other day and they thought that was funny.”
• “I have been looking for you and saw you back at your desk so I thought I would come over before you were gone again. I feel like I’m stalking you, do you mind if I stalk you? Ha ha ha!” (The answer was 'no')
• “Oh thank you so much for the darts, that was very thoughtful of you, we will have a dart game later this week.”
• “Thanks for the pizza, I have not had time to eat lunch today, I have been so busy...I can eat during our meeting.”
• “That’s a great idea, we’ll have a little get together to celebrate getting this project done. We are TOTALLY going to do that.”
• “I like your ‘Christmas Vacation’ coffee mug. Did you see the new one that was made for tv? I watched it with my kids.”
• “I am going to the hair stylist now, but feel free to text me if you need anything. I will be gone for a while because it takes time to cut this mass of hair.”
• “Well, I have to do this hosting thing right now, so I can’t bowl with you at the moment...are you having a good time?” (Playing with her hair as usual as she asks me)
• “I wrapped my kids’ Christmas presents in a hurry, so I won’t know until they open them if I have labeled them correctly.”
• “It’s on like Donkey Kong!”
• "I have very tough skin." (LOL!)
• “Yeah, my son runs a restaurant.” (Very groovy)
• “I can’t log in, could you reset my password? I imagine it’s because I’ve been FIRED and I haven’t been told yet.”
• “You have to stop putting these little ideas in my ear. Ha ha ha!”
• “Please don’t applaud until after I finish reading the names...”
• “I am so glad you’re HERE!”
• “I haven’t been avoiding you, it’s just been really crazy around here lately, we’re ALL a little crazy. Ha ha ha!”
• “I am VERY CONFUSED. I don’t want to have ANY relationship with you other than a professional one. Now I don’t want to be harsh, but I feel I need to be EXPLICIT. Do not message my personal phone for any reason other than work.” (She was not the only one who was very confused)
• “Absolutely NO."

I can’t remember what she said first, but in the next-to-last conversation we had (I think this was the end of February 2017), she looked at me and said with more emotion in her voice than any woman has ever spoken to me, “I AM SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE!” She was playing with her necklace, like she often did when she was talking to me, and then she looked at me like she was completely mesmerized, as well as EXTREMELY UPSET. I felt ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE. I simply cannot describe the way she said that to me, and the look I saw on this woman’s face, especially her eyes. That sentence and that look have haunted me for years. When I think about it now it breaks my heart, because I realize how much I hurt this woman. I wanted her to like me, so I flirted with her, but I NEVER would have done anything intentionally to hurt her.

She was supposed to take me up on the ideas I had for fun get-togethers that we could have in a group setting, because then I was going to ask her if she wanted to do something with just me sometime. But she did not take the bait, and I ended up not knowing what to do. I wanted to tell her “Happy Valentine’s Day”, “Happy Birthday” and good job on the awards ceremony, but she would not come near my desk any longer. I saw her talking to one of her employees by just peeking over his cubicle to talk to him, that way she would not be able to see me at my desk.

I remember her wearing a fitness watch at the beginning of 2017. And through boardreader.com, I found a post on myfitnesspal.com, posted January 29, 2017, at 7pm cst, by username “incognito12345”, which was right around the next-to-last time she came to visit me at my desk. I could not read the entire post, but it went something like this (and I STILL believe she is the one who posted it, because of the timing, the content, and as it seemed like her way of speaking). This post was not around too long before it was deleted. Why was I doing a search on the web? Because I was desperately trying to find answers as to what was going on and I did not know what else to do.

THE ANONYMOUS POST

• “A coworker and I have been flirting for the past six months.” (Actually it was five months.)
• “He ACTS like he likes me but then sometimes he completely ignores me.” (That is because I had to get my work done as well as flirt with her.)
• “He is about five years younger than me.” ( I did not know her age when I started, and I did not care. I just knew we were about the same age.)
• “We WORK together, and sometimes we have to work long hours at this company.”
• “I feel like I am TORTURING myself.” (If she would have had that get-together I suggested in January 2017, I would have asked her out.)
• “There have been a lot of marriages that have occurred at this company, so dating coworkers is not a problem here.” (So what is the issue?)
• “I don’t really feel like there is anyone here at work that I can trust to talk to about this.” (I can think of several people.)
• “I have never experienced feelings like this before from just eye contact and talking.” (I felt exactly the same way, and being with her for those short five months was the GREATEST TIME OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!)

The comments I could read really made me angry, as these idiots said to move on and that the person probably is too immature. As if they actually knew the whole situation. I was always taught not to talk to strangers.

I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I had not said, “I took a day off because I was not feeling well”, when she was in the same office with the other person I was talking to on the phone, and he had it on speaker phone. And the fact was, I DID take a day off because I was not feeling well. Saying that over speaker phone cost me DEARLY. I remember when (I think this was around May) she hired someone, and she brought him over to introduce him to me. I said, “Nice to meet you, and let me know if you need anything.” She had a funny look on her face while I was talking and was dressed like a school teacher. She went off to lunch immediately afterwards and came back all dressed like she usually did, like the fox that she is, with her hair done and basically making my jaw drop to my desk.

This woman KNOWS HOW TO DRESS TO MAKE MEN TAKE NOTICE. She turned me on as usual, and at the same time, I could not do anything about it. One time shortly after, she was at the end of the aisle, next to the coffee maker, with her back to me, playing with her hair, and I think she may have had a mirror in her hand, or her phone, like she was trying to see if I noticed her. OF COURSE I DID. And this was after she told me to take a hike. And who else was in the aisle with me at that moment that she could have been looking at? NO ONE.

I love this woman’s beauty, I love her voice, I love her laugh, I love her smile, I love her hair, I love the way she dresses, I love her perfume, I love just talking with her, I love just being with her, I love just being near her, I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER, and I WANT HER IN MY LIFE LIKE YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE. Every day I was happy to get up and go to work because I knew it was another day that I would get a chance to talk to her. I could not get enough of her and would always come up with something to talk about, that way she would stay longer. I was able somehow to put this woman out of my mind for years (well, mostly), but eventually she has come back into my thoughts. I understand that she is a natural redhead (at least that is what someone told me). I LOVE REDHEADS. However, she was a brunette when I worked with her.

The reality of the situation to me was this, although I have never been able to actually prove it, as I have not talked to her since March 2017:

TIMELINE: August 2016 – May 2017

August 2016:

• I meet this woman at work. I was 37 years old at the time and she was 42 years old. How I would like to go back to that time...
• I am immediately drawn to this woman with extreme feelings that I can’t control (and I don’t want to). NO WOMAN has EVER made me feel like this.
• I take a look at her left hand when she is at my desk, and I don’t see a ring. Internally I say to myself, “I...WANT...THIS...WOMAN...”

September 2016:

• I start flirting with her and she is taken aback just at the beginning, as I can tell at first by the uncomfortable look on her face, but she soon starts to flirt back with a vengeance.
• If she would have told me to stop flirting or used body language to tell me to stop, I would have. But she did not, and started flirting back, so WHY WOULD I STOP?!
• I go on a diet, start dressing better, shaving more often and growing my hair out. And she makes sure she LOOKS LIKE A KNOCKOUT every time there is a day we meet together. Things are going my way at this point...

October 2016:

• The flirting continues and I am loving every minute of it. I am working at the BEST company I have ever worked for, and by taking this job, I received the best raise I have ever received upon taking a new job. I did not realize a person could love going to work this much.
• I loved the work and I was doing great work for the company. And I met some great people I liked a lot, plus, I had a very special person that I worked with on a regular basis. What else could anyone want?! Every time this woman walked into the room I lit up like a Christmas tree.

November 2016:

• Everyone starts getting emails from her about the annual company Christmas party coming up.
• I give a last minute donation for a Thanksgiving charity which puts my department in first place.

December 2016:

• I go to the company Christmas party at Pinstripes and get to talk to her, but not as much as I would like, since she has to host it. I still have a good time, even though all of the food is gone by the time I get there. I still have the “One Million” cologne that I bought for just this occasion.
• She had a dart board in her office, but no darts. So I go out to Dick’s Sporting Goods one weekend and buy her some darts. She tells me thanks and then we play darts for a few minutes.
• I begin to throw out a few ideas of ways we can get together as a group, that way if she does it, then I will ask her if she wants to do something with just me sometime. The first idea was a dart contest, and she seems interested in it, but she does not follow through.

January 2017:

• Next, I said how about a little get-together to celebrate getting the last project done. She seems really excited about it, so I thought “Yes, I have her now, finally!” Then she does not follow through again and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I AM VERY CONFUSED.
• During the meeting where I throw out this suggestion, she is running her hands through her hair non-stop and having a hard time sitting still. It is DRIVING ME WILD. I always appear calm, confident and in-control when talking with her, but surprise, the feelings are on both sides of the table. Oh, the meetings you’ll go to...
• She makes a post anonymously on the internet to get advice (I am guessing still that this was her) from other women.

February 2017:

• She starts to think that I have just been playing with her and begins to avoid me. I realize she is afraid of me, and it hurts.
• She and I are no longer speaking. By the end of February, I miss her so much that it is KILLING me.
• I go to the company awards ceremony at Kanza Hall and it is one of the few times I get to see her that month. I see her a ways off shooting the breeze before the awards are handed out. She looks STUNNING as usual.
• She comes to my desk one last time to talk about a project (because she is asked to stop by). She seems really upset like she is going to start crying. I feel absolutely terrible and after she leaves this time, she does not return.

March 2017:

• I make an attempt to talk to her in person one last time (I email her). She ignores my email all day, so I call her and she answers the phone. She tries hard to keep me away, but reluctantly agrees for me to stop by (“Yes, I am available”, she says softly). She seems really nervous and I can tell she does not want me in her office. We don’t talk much and then I just tell her, “OK, I better get going”, or something like that. That was the last conversation in person that I ever had with her.
• In desperation I send her flowers and tell her that I don’t have to work here in order for us to have a relationship, if that is what is bothering her. I love the job but the job is still NOTHING if it means losing her. Plus I make the mistake that most men make, as I get mushy in my message, which has a tendency to turn women off. BIG MISTAKES ARE MADE HERE!
• The minute I receive a message that my flowers are delivered, I see her rush out of her office, looking at her phone. I imagine she went straight home to see what came to her door.
• She PANICS because she does not want me to quit and she sees that I do have a sensitive side after all, and I am not a complete macho tough guy (go figure, I am human after all), which makes her decide to blackball me.
• She tells me the next day that she is not interested via a text. And even though I don’t believe her, MY HEART BREAKS INTO A MILLION PIECES. I have had my heart broken for several other things in my lifetime, but I have NEVER completely recovered from this.
• We continue to work together like adults even though we no longer talk to each other in person.
• She hears me say over speaker phone about two weeks later that I took a day off because I was not feeling well.
• She becomes ANGRY and decides to punish me because she thinks I am going to leave. Within one hour of that phone call, I am PUT ON ICE PERMANENTLY.

April 2017:

• I do not even want to discuss the details on this month from hell.

May 2017:

• She gradually stops avoiding me completely, and even starts trying to get me to notice her again, even though I CANNOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR I WAS TOLD THAT I WILL BE FINISHED.
• I see a look of displeasure on her face when she walks by and sees that I have started getting really short haircuts.
• I receive the “Employee of the Month Award”. She shows up to the company meeting at the front of the room, but backs away from me when I come up to get the award.

At this point the story goes into limbo, where it has been ever since. The ball has been in her court since March 2017. The mixed signals after that did not make any sense, and she never came to talk to me any further, so at some point I decided, well, I guess she really DOESN’T care about me. But my senses still told me otherwise. I AM STILL VERY CONFUSED TO THIS DAY. There was never any resolution to this mess. No closure, no explanation, no apology, no discussion, NOTHING. Being in LIMBO for seven years is actually more like BEING IN HELL. She could have talked to me, and said ANYTHING, but she refused. It was amazing how quickly my favorite person in the company chose to turn on me. I tried to stay angry with her, I tried to hate her, I tried to wish bad things on her, and I just couldn’t.

Nowadays, a man has to be SO CAREFUL as to how he proceeds with this sort of thing, as it can come back to bite him. I knew that was a possibility from the start, but it was worth the risk. And in spite of how slowly and carefully I moved on this, I STILL FAILED, and I FAILED COMPLETELY. Everything I had worked towards was destroyed. I have often wondered that if, because of the cruel way she treated me, she thinks that I hate her and would never forgive her. There are many people like that in this world, so I can understand that. But I do forgive her for how she treated me, and I still care about her, and I still love her, and I love her UNCONDITIONALLY. I would do ANYTHING for this person. When you have the feelings that I have for this woman, you can forgive that person NO MATTER WHAT.

I have not seen her since 2020. Since 2018 I have been trying to find someone else, but the problem is, after all this time, no matter who I find, SHE IS NOT HER, and whoever I end up with, it just won’t be the same. I will be forever disappointed. After years of reflection, I think of the movie “Groundhog Day”. I wish I could go back to any day in February 2017, and relive that day, over and over, as many times as needed, until I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.

As long as I don’t have to listen to that Sonny & Cher song...

By now I have realized there are some things in life that just aren’t worth anything in the end, as much as they are important TEMPORARILY, and those things are: money, careers and material wealth. What matters in this world are GOD, FAMILY and LOVE. And if any of those things are missing, a person will have a big VOID within them, and he or she will try and fill that void with other things (sports, food, material possessions, money, jobs, etc), and those things will NEVER be able to fill that void.

Whether I ever hear from her or see her again, she is still the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful, intelligent, kindest, sweetest, friendliest, wonderful woman I have ever met, and she will ALWAYS be my favorite person, and NOTHING will ever change that. And if I could go back to August 2016, I would do everything over again. Those memories are precious to me and no one will ever be able to take them from me. Talking with her every day made me the happiest man in the world. I kept waiting after April 2017 for her to come by and talk to me, but that never happened. I always had the idea that she chose her career over me, and I just cannot understand that.

Why I started thinking about her again as of October 2024 is beyond me. Most likely it is because I finally realize that no one else will ever be able to replace her. But all I know is, the way I feel NOW is the SAME way I felt back in 2017. So just like how I could not make myself love someone in my twenties (I tried that), I can’t make myself UNLOVE someone (and now I have learned that lesson). If I could go back to 2017, I would do SOMETHING, no matter what the cost. Whatever sacrifice I had to make, whatever I had to suffer, I would DO IT, and do it IMMEDIATELY, while there was still an opportunity to change things, but now I fear it is too late, and I will regret it FOREVER.